TESTIMONY SERIES vol. 1

(c) Brian Mulheran 2013

The fact that I actually finished this post is a miracle almost greater than that of the Immaculate Conception. Although I had every good intention to have this completed weeks ago, my ability to procrastinate never ceases to amaze me…in fact, I consider it somewhat my superpower.  The amount of times I find myself brainstorming how I can become a billionaire by simply eating chocolate would astound you. But in all honesty, writing my testimony proved to be more challenging than I had expected. I thought I would sit down with a cup of coffee (or four) and the words would flow eloquently and magically onto the paper in a Disney montage like fashion (preferably with accompanying backing music). Nevertheless, it wasn’t like that. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am so thrilled to be able to give you all a little glimpse into my head and my heart; but at first it came as a painful reminder of the loss and pain in my past...not to mention to risk being vulnerable. It felt almost surreal to write my story. It felt cathartic, and healing, and also a little sad. But slowly, as the words began to spill onto the pages I was reminded less about the pain that I had experienced and more about the God who has healed me of them. I remembered those feelings of isolation and was reminded that He is my comforter. I remembered those feelings of despair and was reminded how I found hope. I remembered those feelings of loneliness and was reminded that I am loved more than I could ever know. I remembered what great love Jesus has for us... that He is always our answer. He welcomes us as we are, no matter how long it’s been. He never punishes us by holding back His presence because we have failed to faithfully come, but welcomes us the same again and again. What love. What grace.

In a world where we are constantly encouraged to wear masks and put on our best Christian version of Martha Stewart, honesty is sometimes hard to come by…especially with yourself. It is my intention to be as authentic as possible with the hope that you may in some way find comfort in knowing that someone, who saw nothing but darkness for such a long time, managed to wade through it.  My testimony is simple:  I am still here. I am no longer bound by the circumstances of my past and I no longer feel like I couldn't take one more breath. I know that life and situations can knock us around a bit (I sure have the bruises to prove it) and sometimes it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel has been long turned off, but no matter the challenges or the situations you are facing today, you can get through it. Things do get better and you have an all loving, all powerful God that is taking every step with you.

I am one of those people that nobody ever expected to exist. I was born as a consequence of a few too many Rum and Cokes and as a result I came as a complete bombshell. Albeit an amazing surprise, my unforseen arrival meant that my father was never in the picture. And, although he knew about me, never seemed interested in playing a part in my life, let alone help support my mother. Thus, being a single mother meant that we never had a lot of money and we would live week to week just trying to make ends meet. But she never failed to make it all work. She was undoubtedly the most devoted, hilarious and intelligent mother of all time. Even though I didn’t have the white picket fence, 1.4 siblings and a golden retriever, I never felt like I was missing out. My mother filled our lives withpassion, enthusiasm and generosity which not only fulfilled both roles in my life; but was also my best friend. We were practically the Gilmore Girls… but didn’t drink as much coffee. 

However when I was in my first year of high school, my life changed forever.

I still remember every single detail of that day. I remember that it was raining, so like all normal 12 year old girls, I had slept late. I remember the scent of the Impulse deodorant I was wearing (90’s kids represent!) as I danced to ‘In Da Club’by 50 Cent. I remember thinking how excited I was to have netball training that afternoon and I remember running so late for school that I left without saying goodbye.

My final memory is one riddled with guilt and after 10 years, I still get a lump in my throat.

My mum was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Lupus when I was two. She had subsequently been in and out of hospital for years with troubles with her kidneys but seemed to be doing better. That’s why it came to everyone’s shock and devastation that my mum died at the age of 39 from a heart attack.

That day I lost my mother. That day I lost my best friend.

It was then that I went to live with my aunt (my mother’s sister) and her then fiancé. Although they did their best, the fiancé and I never got along and when I was 15 years old my Aunt was offered a job opportunity and moved to Tasmania. For the second time I lost a carer. It was then when everything seemed to go further downhill.

I left home at the beginning of Grade 12 after a falling out with my Aunt; a relationship that sadly has still not been sufficiently mended.  I stayed with an incredible couple who so graciously rented out a room to me and I then was blessed to live with people who I call my adopted family (side bar: seriously the most incredible people you will EVER meet. I could talk about them for hours and my heart swells just thinking of my Nan (for all intents and purposes) and the Glencross clan. Family is so much more than blood and for that I am beyond thankful. –end side bar). That being said it was almost like no matter where I turned I couldn’t see through darkness. I could not see all the wonderful people I had to be thankful for through the dark fog that had somehow surrounded me. Although I was hurting and confused, I hid my grief and pain from others. Behind the cheerful, outgoing, School Captain façade was a heartbroken little girl. I had lost my way and was suffering in such an ocean of depression that there were days where I thought I would drown in it. I was suffocating and to escape the painI began drinking excessive amounts of alcohol (around 3 litres of pure Vodka per week), experimented with drugs and self-harmed. I was speeding down the highway of self-destruction and couldn’t slow down.

It's one thing I have learned is that Depression is malicious and it doesn’t care who is destroyed by its darkness. For so many years I felt so negative and sorry for myself so the natural reaction was to blame everyone around me for how I was feeling. I took comfort only from peering out from under my little black cloud of misery. The worst part thou was that I was convinced I couldn’t ask for help. I wanted people to know how broken I was and that I was struggling, but I was afraid that those Ipeople would worry too much…or worse that they would not worry at all.  

Despite my best (self-destructive) efforts, nothing seemed to get any better. I decided that to end the pain the only way out was to kill myself. I planned the details, wrote the notes and cleaned my room. It was then that I stumbled upon an old card from one of my mum’s friends. On the card quoted Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” It was then I thought I’d give this church thing a go…plus things couldn’t get any worse, so it was worth a shot.

After a sleepless night, I forced myself through the glass doors toward the smell of burning instant coffee. Immediately I felt an overwhelming sense of peace surround me and a silent whisper in my heart saying “It’s OK baby girl, I’ve got you.” I met some people, felt cared for and cried for hours that night. Tears flowed from the pain I had suffered and was still stuck in. I met with Jesus that night and slowly my heart began to heal.

Despite becoming a Christian my problems did not disappear. In fact some of my darkest moments were still to come. I had expected an abundance of galloping unicorns and to suddenly be filled with the spirit of Ned Flanders. But to my disappointment I discovered that I was still me and I still had a lot to deal with.  I have found that if the devil can’t take you out, he’ll just keep you stuck where you are. The reality is it takes courage to face the pain and the hurt. It took me years to finally surrender it at the cross because for so long it was all I knew. I was comfortable. The discomfort of change seemed so much worse than the pain I was in. But God through His grace helped me have the courage to stand up, face the heartache, and the disappointments and encounter the true freedom that Jesus died to give us.

I moved to Brisbane at the beginning of 2009,  joined a wonderful church (Citipointe Church), made a bunch of new friends and continued on the journey. A couple of years ago, after 20 years, I received an unexpected card from my father wishing me a “Happy Birthday”. It’s funny how you finally think you’re doing OK and life throws you another curveball. Sometimes that curveball hits you smack in the face. Thus began a new chapter of navigating through different emotions and dealing with a different darkness. I would be lying if I said that it is easy. I would be lying if I said I have completely forgiven my father for the role he played (or lack thereof) in my life. I would lying if I said I never have dark days and struggle to pick up my Bible. I would be lying if sometimes I just get sick of it all. But I keep trying. I keep moving forward. I think one of the biggest lies of the Enemy is that we have to have it all together to be used by God. Every time a thought like that comes into my mind I almost want to high-five myself in the face...with a hammer.  It's just nonsense. 

We're never going to be perfect but can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and take hold of the strength and freedom that our God graciously gives to us. I have met my father twice now and in all honesty I don’t where our relationship stands, but I do know that I have a faithful God who does not dismiss our pain, who validates and acknowledges our suffering. He understands what we go through and He is walking all of it out with us. There is no instant fix. There is not always a reason or rhyme…but there is grace and peace that surpasses all understanding.  God never gave up on me. He saw me in my darkest hour and He loved me through it and He is constantly taking me by the hand and walking with me, helping me to move forward. Sometimes that black fog tries to creep back in but I continue to stand and I feel as though I've been more than ever before the throne of grace "just as I am" but I decided a while ago that I don’t want to dwell in that place of despair, self-pity and hopelessness. I won't let the Enemy keep me down or win in ANY way when it comes to depression or disengagement.

I decided that I am going to live my life as an overcomer and I came to realise that the more I focussed on what had happened in my past, I would never be able to witness what could be in my future. I was quite comfortable wallowing in my pool of self-pity, thinking about my own problems, dwelling in my own misery. The reality is, we are all called to be the answer to a lost and broken humanity and the more I focus on my own mess I may be missing the opportunity to be someone else’s answer.  The choice is ours to stay where we are or to stand up, dust ourselves off, give all the "stuff" to God and let Him begin to heal your heart so you can get on with the plans and purposes He has for our lives. I am so grateful that daily He gives me the strength and the grace to do that. It doesn't mean life is perfect but it means that I chose to see the good in the midst of life's challenges. I believe with all my heart that you can ALWAYS find something to be thankful for. So even in the moments when life is the hardest, choosing to see and speak the good and choosing to give yourself perspective will change your outlook.

I'm aware that many of you have your own seeds of sorrow to sow and it would be naive of me to believe my own grief is entirely gone; indeed, though my wounds are healed, a scar remains, and sometimes, in the most unexpected moments, it will seem to spring back to life with a pain so acute I cannot do anything but pray it away. But I want to encourage those of you who are walking a road similar to my own: fear not. You will smile again. You will laugh and sing again. You will know victory. Stand perfectly still if you must, looking neither backward nor forward, and simply believe that you can make it through the day - or the next five minutes. 

One of my favourite scriptures is this: "See! The winter is past, the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.” Song of Songs 2:11-13

Life is hard but those challenges you are facing, keep standing, the season of singing is coming. I am here as a testament that you will make it through whatever difficulty you're facing and I am convinced that if He could do it for me, He can do it for anyone. Do not think your situation too bleak, your mistakes too many, your own heart too lost….

When it all just seems too hard and you think you can't face one more second remember....ask for help. You have people who love you and care for you. You have a God who loves you unconditionally.  Who walks every step of this journey with you. He wants to help you and He believes in you. Just take that first step toward the One who cares, who heals and who restores.

Stay classy,

All my love,

Jess xx