THE GIRL WHO LET HER GUARD DOWN

© Leney Breeden

Each year, I go on a missions trip for one week. It's incredible and my expectancy for what God will do that week is high. He always reveals himself to me so powerfully.

Two years ago I was in a less-than-perfect relationship. I was at the point where I couldn't see myself continuing with it, but I didn't want to break up with him either. I look back at that time with such sadness in my heart. I was a broken girl trying to keep a relationship that was so obviously bad for me. I was constantly stressed, had gained a lot of weight and never slept well. I wasn't happy and it showed.

During my week on mission, everyday, we had a meeting for 30mins. We sang a couple worship songs with an acoustic guitar, prayed together and shared general administrative stuff. The night before this particular meeting, I'd been going back and forth with my boyfriend over text. What we were talking about is to involved to explain but basically I needed support that he wasn't willing to give. I felt emotionally exhausted, uncared for and alone. This was a reoccurring theme with us. 

As we began to worship, I stood there tired, sad and angry. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't things just work out? Why this week? Why aren't I strong enough? I was trying and trying and trying to keep this relationship healthy and Godly and it wasn't working. I felt completely isolated because I didn't want to reveal how the relationship was really going. It was then for the first time in my life, I heard the audible voice of God.

'Look at you, you're beautiful'

Immediately my spirit replied 'How dare you say that to me! I'm am not beautiful.'

Looking back, that response showed me exactly where my heart was and how I'd chosen to believe what the relationship was telling me, rather than what my God was telling me. It was like I was saying 'Don't look at me! I can't face you right now.' The truth is that I was much more hurt than I could admit to myself or to God. Sometimes, because we're telling the world 'I'm okay, I'm okay...' we start to believe it ourselves. We block out those raw emotions because it seems easier.

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. - Song of Solomon 4:7

I couldn't even sit in the rest of the meeting. I was inconsolable. Crying and crying and crying. I excused myself (followed closely by a friend) and allowed the pain surface while sitting in the corridor of the church. I started talking. I told of my frustration and sadness and hurt. I talked for hours.

That day, God granted me the strength to begin detaching myself from the relationship, I was also able to see (more rationally) why it wasn't working and how I was being mistreated. Our relationship was the cause for much heartache and damage to my identity but I held onto those words - My Lord sees me as beautiful. He knows my struggle and He's overcome it for me. It would be another year before we broke up for good (I guess that's a story for another post) but that day began my healing.

For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. - Deuteronomy 7:6

This story could have many messages. I could talk about the importance of a Godly relationship or I could talk about how God is for you no matter how alone you feel. But I think what's most important is to hold onto God's truth and don't let the enemy convince you you're anything other than His Beloved. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

How often we speak about 'guarding our hearts' but do we actually now what that means? Relationships require vulnerability at times and in the wrong hands, we will get hurt. Growing in love with someone sometimes means we're at risk of substituting that love for the love of our Saviour. Just like Natalie said - He's the one that loved us first! We wouldn't have those emotions if it wasn't for Him. 

When you're in the midst of a troubled relationship, you don't think clearly. You make excuses. I often thought 'God is teaching me patience' or 'God is teaching me forgiveness' but the only reason I thought that is because it was just easier to believe at the time. It meant I could hide the hurt and not deal with the real issues.

Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life. - Proverbs 4:23

I don't have it all figured out yet. I can't offer '5 easy steps' or a magical solution. But I can share my story to illustrate that if you're in a similar situation  - there is hope - the Lord has healed all my hurt and He can do that for you as well. Girls, relationships are hard. Ensuring we're guarding our heart is something we need to actively do. We can't assume it will happen because we're in church or because we know the Bible. It's about staying connected with your Creator and allowing Him to direct our path.

Can you relate? What are you thoughts?