Over the past couple of weeks my eyes have been opened to just how important it is to keep a constant watch on the condition of our hearts. I feel that keeping this to myself would almost be robbing you. SO, HERE. WE. GO. (It's going to be a long one so you may want to make a cup of tea & get comfy)
A few years ago I went through something pretty horrible, it took a lot of time, prayer, and faith to get me to where I am today. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought that I was completely past it, that I had overcome that 'yucky season' and was back to my normal self. And I was, for the most part.. I knew I had created one or two barriers around my life, but, that's okay right? Self defence and all that? (No, not okay.) I guess I just didn't think about it too much, and before long those barriers had all joined together & created a little box to keep all the hurt from ever possibly getting in. But it also stopped me from getting out. Timid, insecurities up the wazoo & drowning in self-doubt, that was me.
Which brings me to that eye opening moment a few weeks ago. It was after a meeting at church & I was getting prayed for, when one of the people praying for me said that they felt they should pray for my heart. That it had been damaged, that it had some sort of a cage around it... Not the cheeriest of things to hear. I knew they were spot on about having a cage, or walls, around my heart.. but damaged?? "God, hadn't you healed my hurt? Hadn't you made me whole?" It was just so not what I was expecting to hear. In fact, it left me so confused. Though they said it was only the first part, and that something else would be revealed to me so it makes sense, I still left feeling disheartened.
Back at church that night I prayed for my heart like I'd never prayed before. I didn't feel any different, but I chose to put my faith in God's power.
Towards the end of that week Amy submitted her draft for Wednesday's post. BAM. It felt like she had popped it in an envelope & addressed it just to me. (Hello to the part that makes sense of that first part!)
"...You have put a big gate across your heart with a lock and chain and said to me 'stay out'. I cannot show you my love, heal you or walk you through your hurt if you don't give me access."
God can only heal what we allow Him to. He can only make us whole if we surrender all of us.
Sure I had given most of myself to Him, except for what matters most - my heart. I had a wall 10 feet high to keep the world out. I thought that because there was no "roof" on top of the wall, that it was okay, like, God you can always fly over the wall - but that's as far as I would allow Him. He could come inside the walls and it would feel like He was near, but my heart was wrapped so tightly in an industrial type glad wrap/plastic wrap/whatever you want to call it, that my heart was suffocating, and I wasn't allowing God to breathe life into it.
So, I had made sense of it, I was holding tightly to the belief that God would answer my prayer, and I went into church the following Sunday with an expectant heart.
As we sang the words
"Your love illuminates my heart.."
I felt the glad wrap unravel, brick by brick watched those walls be dismantled and a huge weight lifted from me. I knew I had received my miracle. My heart felt full & bright. It was only then that I realised how I had been going about life. That I had lived with the hurt for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so light, that I had just accepted it for the norm & not realised there was anything wrong.
HOW IS YOUR HEART? Have you checked it's condition lately? Is it a little damaged? A little hidden? A little bitter or resentful or afraid? We need to continually be conscious of the state of our heart, for like the verse Amy used (Proverbs 4:23), out of it springs the issues of life!
Last Thursday & Friday my church had our annual women's conference SWB it was SO relevant & reinforced all that I had been learning about myself and about God over the previous weeks. The theme was Beloved & there seemed to be a real focus on insecurities & overcoming. (Which may need it's own post to fit everything in!) I guess the main thing is that, I feel so empowered and full of courage & peace & joy and I want that for all of you! Keep your heart in check. Don't close God out, don't let yourself get to a place where you can't receive what God has for you. Be blessed.